In my head, I had this dream that when I had kids, I was going to be the mom at pick-up and drop-off, joining the PTA and volunteering in the school. I would know all the other moms, be in the know about school business, and would chat with my kids’ teachers regularly. Yet at the same time, I also saw myself working and getting the personal fulfillment from my job that I love. Somehow, I saw myself having it all.
Maybe I had that notion because when I was growing up, we were told women can have it all. You can have the best of both worlds – you CAN be an amazing mom and have a kick ass career! The modern woman can have it all! But what is having it all, really? Is it being able to juggle parenting and working? Is it simply making choices that are right for you?
Growing up, the mantra of ‘having it all’ was everywhere. I really do love the positive message it sends to young girls and women, and it will undoubtedly spread to my daughter as she gets older. Sadly, for me, and where I am right now, I don’t feel like I have it all. I feel like I am constantly dropping the ball somewhere. That I am always disappointing someone. That I am rushing from one thing to another without really enjoying my tiny, incredible humans. Those are my truth bombs right there. I pretty much feel like I am sucking at everything. In my mind, it is a constant struggle: “I should be there to pick him up from school!” but “I can’t leave work yet!”
It is a continuous battle in my head, and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only mom waging a war on herself in her head. So to any other moms out there feeling like this…you’re not alone. I hear you mama. I’m doing it and there are days that I feel like I’m failing miserably. I feel guilt like never before. I don’t really feel like I have it all, even if it looks that way on paper. Don’t get me wrong – there are days when I feel like I’m totally killing this whole working mom thing. Healthy meals prepped and ready to go, lunches and snacks prepped for the week, schoolwork organized and complete, clothes for the kids and I ironed and laid out. But trust me when I say that those days are not the norm.
I want to have a career that brings me joy, and to be able to show my daughter how kick ass it is to be a lady. Maybe it’s the fatigue, maybe I’m just having a bad day. I do what I can to make myself feel better – take a step back for a few weeks from blogging and social media. Surround myself with people and things I love. All I know is…right now, I’m not feeling so kick ass. Maybe I’m overthinking this whole thing. My kids are happy and healthy. I wake up everyday beside a man that brings me happiness, laughter and love every single day. Our house may be messy, it may be chaotic, but it is filled with love. I know undoubtedly that every person in our house feels loved every single day. Maybe I’m not doing so bad after all.